Denying it is simply sensationalist fear-mongering, a new report released today suggests you and everyone you know will be robbed and shot tonight.

The report, put out by a media organisation and then spread by other media organisations in a desperate bid for clicks, states the robbery will happen at gunpoint, and you, your friends, your family, and even passing acquaintances will be gunned down in a pointless act of violence.

In a statement, senior police officer Sergent Pat Merton said there is nothing they can do to prevent this robbery and shooting from happening and that you and literally every person you know is definitely going to die alone in an alley for nothing tonight.